While I still have the loaner MacBook I thought I would share some stuff that’s been rumbling around in this head of mine lately. Well, for a long time really but I think I am finally able to actually share it without breaking down into tears. I will start with the LOVE part first. You see this cute husband of mine? I cannot say enough good things about him. I am soooooo lucky to have been blessed with a man so patient (he’s needed that quality-LOL) and thoughtful and selfless. He has in fact loved me unconditionally through this last year from hell I call it. I promise to not make this a whiner post but some of the details aren’t very pretty! HA! He has been a rock. Super-supportive. Not a day has gone by that he hasn’t asked if I’m okay or what he can do to help or wrapped his arms around me just because. He’s proof that the Lord does indeed take care of His children because life would have been pretty unbearable without him. Like my layout says…. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I CAN SAY.
Now for the WAR part. I’m sure it’s been pretty obvious over the last year or so to see that I have struggled emotionally and physically. I’m not one of those people who can always put on that fake happy face when things aren’t really happy. So I know it’s been obvious in my blogging too. I used to be funny and care-free and didn’t take life too seriously. I don’t know why I have had the urge to finally come out of the closet about it but I have spent the last year or more struggling with severe depression and then post-partum issues after having Brody. This has been the WAR I’ve been battling with myself. I never really understood how real and difficult it is until now. I’ve known people on medication for it but always dismissed it as their inability or weakness in dealing with it. So not true.
I’m not posting this to make excuses for myself or sing another sad song but just to get it out there and outta my head. LOL Who knows…. maybe it will help someone else that struggles as well and doesn’t have to be. You’d think with all the exciting and positive things that have gone on in my life the last few years that DEPRESSION is the LAST thing I’d be dealing with. I married Shane, moved closer to his girls so our family could be together, and gave birth to the sweetest, cutest baby boy on the planet! All very wonderful and happy things. Yet I struggled. I’ve gained over 30 pounds-yes-I had another baby… but still. That extra physical weight doesn’t help with the emotional baggage! I moved away from a lifetime’s collection of family and friends in AZ to have nothing here in MS. Aside from a couple of friends at church nothing in that department has changed much over the last year but I’m learning to deal. Doing daycare at home makes that a little more difficult. I left my sand volleyball that I played 2-3 times a week. We’ve struggled severely in the finances department but are finally able to breathe a bit. The list goes on but not without sounding like a whine-fest.
I guess what I am trying to say is I feel like I am finally, slowly getting ME back. After talking with friends and my Doctor I am on some medication that really is helping. It’s taken me a long time to realize that sucking up some pride and admitting I need help is better than suffering thru each hour of the day. Especially when the way I feel directly impacts the way my family feels. How does that old saying go??? “If Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy?” Something like that! LOL Anyhoo… I finally feel like I “care” again. I have been getting to the gym, making healthier choices, playing more with my girls again. And trying to be a better wife and best friend to my hubby….. Basically trying to be the person he fell in love with.
I have so much to be grateful for and so many positive things around me. It feels better to be able to actually focus on those things for a change. If you or someone you know struggles at all with depression or post partum please please please gently encourage them to see their doctor. It could make a HUGE difference in the quality of their life.
Thanks so much for all the love and encouragement you have thrown my way! It never goes unnoticed!
Love & Hugs!
Shanna
February 3rd, 2009
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
Teri Cherrington Says:
I’m sending you an email. Be prepared. =)
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Sharla Says:
Ah Shanna, big hugs! Gotta love those trials and tribulations huh? I’ve been to that place called “don’t give a crap” and sometimes it’s a long road out of there, but when we finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel it’s a great place to be. Hopefully we come out of it stronger, better and with more hope, faith and determination to do better and be better.
Your very lucky to have a husband who can be your rock when you need him & don’t worry, you’ll get YOU back in no time.
Thanks for sharing your story, I know sharing something personal isn’t always easy but we all go through difficulites and it helps to know we are not alone in our struggles.
I would so totally hang out with ya and be your friend if distance wasn’t an issue..
I think you are very talented and pretty much ROCK!!!
Ok….I’m done with my novel of a response!!
p.s. Sorry about the Cards, I totally wanted to cry!
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Melissa Says:
I so sympathize! I kinda wish someone had clued into my depression after Jocelyn was born. I didn’t seem particularly sad just unmotivated. My house was a disaster and honestly, I was a disaster. I “woke up” when she was 16 months. Didn’t know it at the time but had it pointed out that I was actually depressed. And man they sure lied to us when they told us that your body and weight would go back to normal after a baby. LIARS!!!! My size 6 body left me after baby #1!
Anyway,I appreciate you sharing because I moved from an area where I was finally comfortable and 3 years later am still trying to get people to come scrap with me. So bad for your self esteem when you invite them and no one comes EVER!!! Sigh!
And I’ll cry with you about the Cardinals. They are a great group of guys and boy do I wish they had managed that victory in face of some pretty steep odds. They was robbed!!!:)
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Tami F. Says:
I’m sending you a SUPER HUGE HUG!!!! I’ve been there before so I know exactly where you’re coming from. I felt like a failure having to admit that it was me, but then soon came to realize admitting my faults and doing something about it made me a stronger person not a failure. It will all get better — promise! You know if I lived closer you’d have to ask me to leave because I’d be at your house all the time…lol Take care of yourself first!! Love ya, girlie!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
michelle Says:
yeah. depression is real. NOT symptom of weakness at all. And I’m not sure anyone really gets it until they GET it, yourself included. Glad you swallowed the pride and said something to your doctor. I remember when I made that appt. I couldn’t even say the words, but they knew something was wrong and led the way.
Glad you are feeling better! It’ll be great to have you back
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Rachel Dallaire Says:
I understand completely. I’ve been through that kind of severe depression a few times and it is so horrible. I am so glad that you are finally getting back to yourself again. It’s nice to breathe again, huh?
Hang in there-you *will* come out of it completely eventually. Just take care of yourself and do what you need to do. I’ll continue to pray for you! {{{hugs}}}
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Suzy Says:
*Hugs* I surely can relate to what you have written. Must be the day for our ‘heart’ posts. When I left Iceland to come to the US to live during the divorce my life sucked! I knew nobody. I had to start my life and had little to no support. I know where you’re coming from. I suffer from depression and know that every day of my life I will take a pill and it helps (combined with healthy choices, talking to trusted individuals, and accepting this is the *genes* I’ve been dealt.) I liken the pill to insulin for diabetics.
Take Care of You!!!! **Hugs** Suzy
p.s. If we lived closer I’d hire you to be my personal scrapping coach! hee hee
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Fletch Says:
Oh darling my darling!!!!! Wouldn’t it have been nice if people had taught us early on that it was okay to feel this way. The guilt gets to us, the feelings of inadequacy, and of course the effects on our self-esteem are incomprehensible. We may be separated by distance but the connection is never broken. I am with you and here for you anytime you need to vent because God knows I need to vent A LOT!!! Love ya my sista!!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
annette Says:
I too have been there. I didn’t know what was wrong. I was losing weight, not getting out of bed, food made me sick, throwing up nothing, shaking uncontrollably, I would cry the minute my husband would walk in the door. (He started not coming in my room because he felt like he was the problem and he didn’t want to make me cry)The fact of the matter is that I would try to hold all my emotions inside and when I would see him they would just flow. I went to doctor after doctor and no one could figure it out - so I would read and read to try and figure it out. I did finally self diagnose and would discuss the different medications with a very close friend who was a pharmacist. She guided me to the one that would help me the most. Then I would go back to the doctor and tell them what I found. It was hard for me to admit it for a long time and would try hard to get off the medication with no success. It finally hit me one day that it was like a diabetic refusing to take the insulin. Something was mis - firing in my head and I need something to help it work properly. Wow, I had accepted it and now I was moving forward.
My advice to anyone struggling with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, post partum depression is to get help. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!
God wants us to be happy, healthy and alive. We are sent here to ENJOY THE JOURNEY not tolerate the trek. (yes we do have trials but we are meant to have joy even in the middle of those trials)
So, good job to you for getting the boost that you need to be the person that you are meant to be.
BTW: I love your blog. It is so much fun to connect with people all over who have the same interests, beliefs and hobbies as I do. Hang in there cause YOU are ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Kaelene Zapata Says:
I wish I could give you a big ole AZ hug right now! I know, from personal experience, how debilitating depression can be! And to feel like there is no way out of it! YIKES!!
Let me just sum up my experience by telling you that my sister and cousin, who were my roommates at the time, called me Eeyore all the time! Mean, but true, because that is about how much fun I was!
I know that you will come through this with flying colors, cuz now you got all your sistahs praying with and for you!
♥ ♥ ♥
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Julie O. Says:
HUGE (((((((HUGS))))))) to ya Shanna!! Sometimes it really does help to write about it and I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing this with your ‘bloggy’ friends!
Clearly you are so thankful for so many things. That’s wonderful that you can have a grateful heart in the midst of all you are feeling. I’m glad you got on some meds that are helping a bit.
Hold on to your faith, faith girl! I’ll be prayin’ that you pull through this. You are an amazing inspiration to so many of us and have so much to offer.
Prayin’ for extra blessings and sunshine in your day today.
Lots o love,
Julie
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Stacy Says:
You are so not alone Shanna! Been there done that and still dealing with it from time-to-time. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to get your life back on track. You are so lucky to have such a loving & supportive husband. Hang in there. And THANK YOU for always inspiring me, you are one talented girl =)
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
nicole Says:
Oh Shanna, I don’t even know you but I can tell that you are brave strong and you are not alone!! ((hugs))
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
staceymichu Says:
So sorry to hear about your rough time! I guess we all go through those periods or hardships–and it makes us stronger! I am happy to hear you are feeling better! Love your layout–what a nice tribute!
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
tammi auayfuay Says:
Shanna Iam only posting this so you know people are out there feeling this same way. I have a great husband, great kids, health, money, and everything I wanted, so how could I be depressed. I was, I even left my family. I decided I was never going to be good enough and I was tired of losing the battle. So it is real, it happens. It has been over 6 months and I am just getting to the point that I like to be with my kids again. I think it has been a huge reminder to me, that we should never assume anything about others. Good luck, Take care, Tammi A
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Tracey Says:
Shanna!!! I am a HUGE fan of your blog. I just wanted to give you {{HUGS}} and encouragement. I honestly wish I lived closer to you. I used to live in Biloxi 3 yrs ago, bummer. You are one strong chic and I know that you will get thru this with the love and devotion of your dear hubby. You are one lucky girl!!
Take care!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
lisa Says:
you know how much i love and care about you!!! sometimes life comes at you hard. and you probably had some of the highest stress related things thrown at you–new baby, moving, finances, marriage. one at a time those things are stressfull–but 3 or more is a big whammy to your emotional make-up.
hang in there!!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Hillary Says:
I LOVE YOU! Miss you tons!
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Anabelle Says:
First, I love that layout. What a beautiful mix of goodies. Thanks for sharing about your battle with depression. (((hugs))) It sounds like you are well on your way to where you want to be. I think your honesty will definitely serve to help others. So glad you have a loving and supportive family to help you along the way!
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Txerica Says:
Shanna, Bravo to you for the courage you have shown to discuss this difficult issue with the world. It takes a strong person to realize that you can’t “fix” everything yourself, and an even stronger person to admit it to everyone else. You are on a good path now. You and your family have so many blessings, and I wish you many more.
-Erica
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Audrey Pettit Says:
awww, Shanna! sweet girl!
So very, very, very, very sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling this last year. What an emotional burden you have been carrying by yourself. SO glad that you’ve gone to your doctor, are starting to feel better, and are surrounded by love. Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting us with your heart. I know I speak for a lot of people when we say that we think you are wonderful and that we will always be around to listen and support.
Hang in there, girl, and know that it will all be fine.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm
ellen Says:
i def think talking about that stuff makes a difference and realizing that people are not here to judge but to help and from what i have read so far, sounds like you have a lot of support.
you went through A LOT! you have a lot on your plate and a ton of change, you gotta give yourself time and credit!
oh and i can tell you are still carefree b/c i love your sense of humour i see at CMK! it’s like mine…lmbo! not sure if that is good or bad.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:48 am
Sasha Says:
Well for you to even write this down for the WORLD to see says alot and shows that you are honest with yourself about it. Just take it one day at a time. Do things to motivate your mind towards positivity as you are doing .. virtual
hugs to you …
February 4th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Chris Says:
Shanna,
Been in your shoes and know exactly what you are saying. I have always felt that taking the meds was a sign of weakness,but in the last year I have had to start taking them too. I am much happier and my family is much happier too. I know now that the sign of weakness was not taking them and making my family suffer along with me. God be with you you talented girl!!!!
February 4th, 2009 at 2:32 am
Shantal Says:
Shanna,
I love you so much and you don’t sound whiney so stop apologizing. I’m glad Shane is such a great guy and that he’s been so patient. Baby #5 hit me harder than the others ever did. She’s almost 4 weeks old now and I am completely unmotivated to do anything productive. Part of the problem though was the Twilight series. LOL I loved the whole series. I cried a lot with New Moon which actually made me feel better at the time. Brian is glad I’m finished reading for now but I still don’t feel like doing much of anything yet. I’m glad the medication is helping you feel a difference. Can I just say that if you’ve been depressed this past year and could still be so creative, look out world! You constantly amaze me with your many talents.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Chrys Says:
Hugs to you!!!! So glad that you are getting the treatment that you need!! Prayers for you!
February 4th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Leslie Says:
Aww, honey . . . hugs to you. Been there, could write a book.
I know how hard it is to struggle with depression. I’ve had it, to some extent, for most of my adult life — especially postpartum. Let me know if you need anything. I’m here for you, sweets.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Susan Says:
Sista, I’ve been there as well. I had super bad PPD after my twins were born. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. Finally after 6 months I woke up and felt more like myself. Before Gus was born I went to the Dr and got a prescription for something “just in case” I needed it. I really tried to be proactive about PPD this time, I just couldn’t go through it again. So far Gus is almost 8 months old and no signs of it. Glad you’re back and on the right path.
Susan
February 4th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Anna Norgaard Says:
Shanna thank you for sharing your story. Depression is a very debilitating disease but the ability to recognize you need to ask for help means that you are on the right road to feeling better! take it one step at a time and work towards your goals! You and your beautiful family are in my prayers. I love all the layouts you have done in the last year and look forward to many more.
hang in there! ;0)
February 5th, 2009 at 5:57 am
sarah Says:
{{{hugs}}} girl, i praise you that you have come thiss far, you are a strong woman, well done!!!
February 5th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Erin Says:
I totally feel your pain! It is hard to admit to a problem like depression when everyone else seems to deal with lifes ups and downs with no problem. My family is not big on “magic” pills, so even when I decided to take something I was trying to keep it a secret. When everyone started saying they were glad I got over my self pity party I felt vidicated in taking the med. Now I don’t hide it. If someone says something to me about it I tell them that I am a much nicer/better person on my “happy” pills. Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor that they aren’t working or if you have side effects you don’t want to deal with. I had to try a couple of different ones until I got to really feeling better. Hang in there and just keep counting your blessings. Look at your super cute little guy and know that you will get back to the old you, or an even better NEW you!
February 5th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
lucy edson Says:
Hugs, Shanna - I think you are so brave to discuss this and I know how hard it is to admit you have a depression problem - you are a strong woman and I am sure you will come out of this stronger than ever before! Your hubby sounds like a real keeper - what a wonderful blessing to have him in your life.
February 6th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Amy W. Says:
HUGE hugs Shanna!!! sounds like you are on the road to where you want to be. i don’t care who it is…nobody has a perfect life and it’s great that you could put it out there and in a sense…get rid of it within youself.
have a GREAT weekend!
Amy
February 6th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Amy W. Says:
hey i tagged you on my blog!
http://amywilges.typepad.com/
February 7th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Mary Says:
I am sending you a huge hug girl!! You are on your way out of the hole…..half way….yes, admitting we need help is half the battle. Victory will soon by yours! You are a strong, courageous, humble woman and so many others (including your fam) are blessed by your gifts! Know the Lord loves you and has given you a wonderful picture of His love in Shane. I’m here for you anytime…..
Love,
m
February 7th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Lori Borntreger Says:
Girl, I am so proud of you!!! You are amazing, and I’m wishing all the best for you!!! Sending big hugs to you, wish we lived closer!!!
Lovin’ all the projects!!!
xoxo
February 9th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Martha Says:
I had no idea you were going through this. I appreciate your honesty. That’s a big step in the right direction to feeling better again. I so wish I could give you a big ol’ hug in person!
February 9th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Ken Says:
You should be proud that you’re now able to admit to needing help. That’s the first step to making progress. {{HUGS}} and prayers to you!
February 15th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Margee' Says:
Shanna,
I really enjoy reading your blog.
I know exactly what you are say and going through. I’ve dealt with depression off and on through my life!
I wish I could take a med for it, but with so many meds for my other health problems I hesitate.
So glad you’re doing better.
Hugs from WA State.
Margee’
April 22nd, 2010 at 5:12 am
ValenciaJuana Says:
Different people in every country get the mortgage loans in various banks, just because it is easy.